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Sometimes the parent is warm and accepting and at other times cold and rejecting…the key is that you never know what you are going to get.
Because children need to feel safe in their relationships with parents (see my February post for a description of the secure style and optimal parenting), those children will learn to closely monitor their parents so that they can tell if it is a good (hug) day or a bad (go to your room) day.
One reason it is hard to control the hijacking, even though you know you really shouldn’t make that phone call, is that the wiring from your senses to your brain’s threat detection centers is quicker than the wiring from your senses to your cortex (where the conscious thought occurs).
So, by the time you have had time to figure things through rationally, you have already experienced a surge of adrenaline which tells the rest of your brain that there is a threat out there that has to be eliminated.
And, what’s worse is that the other person tells you that you are over-reacting, that nothing is up, and acts irritated. At the end of the day, you try to address the issue again and it turns into a major argument with accusatory statements flying back and forth and you end up feeling angry and betrayed.
Similar events could happen in relation to your boss at work.
You spend a lot of time running over all of your recent interactions in your mind.The good news is that you can learn to control this pattern.Here are some steps you can take: There is nothing wrong with you!Based on the size of the US population, there are presently more than 47 million Americans who have anxious attachment styles.That means that if you don’t have this personality style then you are most likely in relationships with people who do.
As the day goes on, you think about all of the other interactions you have had with this person.